i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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