If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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