You really coming over, don't trick.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My penis needs a shock collar
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
