Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
