My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
