The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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