I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
