i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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