you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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