So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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