Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
