I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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