You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
