i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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