I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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