When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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