I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
