I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
