I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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