my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
