Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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