yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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