wanna go halves on a baby?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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