My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
