Betty ford says i'm here all night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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