just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
