Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
