Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
