2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We're too hungover to prance.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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