i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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