I want to make a zoo with you.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
