After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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