I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
