I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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