I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
