Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
