she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
being pregnant is like rehab
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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