She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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