my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
