I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
