Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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