I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
