Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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