11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
