dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
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she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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