I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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