I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
