FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
