I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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