I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
