Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
