I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
