just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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