Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
