if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
